Poly 101: The 3 Big Lessons I Wish I’d Known
- Kelly Blenus
- May 7
- 3 min read
One of the biggest reasons I started creating courses is simple: I wish someone had made this kind of resource for me. It wouldn’t have prevented every misstep—I’m a firm believer that some lessons are best learned the hard way—but having just one or two of these tools early on could’ve saved a whole lot of heartache. For me and for the people I cared about.
So, in my foundational course Poly 101: The Sh*t I Wish I’d Known, I focused on the three biggest lessons I learned the hard way. Each of these is a full module in the course—but instead of summarizing the content, I want to tell you the “why” behind each one.
1. Deprogramming the Monogamy Mindset
When I first dipped my toes into polyamory, I had no idea how deeply I was still operating from a monogamous framework. I didn’t realize what I needed to unlearn. I didn’t recognize the couple’s privilege I was bringing into poly as someone entering with a partner. I was still clinging to the “one true love” myth, and anything that challenged it felt like a threat.
I was fine with sexual exploration but totally resistant to emotional connections outside of our relationship. That mindset—one I hadn’t even realized I had—held me back from so much growth, especially in that messy first year.
Module 1 of the course is all about starting to see your relationship landscape through a new lens. It’s about naming the assumptions baked into monogamy so you can create healthier, more expansive connections on your own terms.
2. What About Jealousy, Insecurity, and All the Big Feels?
I thought I could sidestep the hard emotions. I wasn’t jealous about my partner having sex with others, so I figured I had it handled. (Spoiler: I did not.)
It wasn’t jealousy at first—it was deep insecurity. Cracks in my self-worth I hadn’t faced before. And when those big feels finally hit, I had no idea how to cope. I tried managing them with rules instead of boundaries. I tried controlling my partner instead of sitting with myself. I spiraled, hard.
There was so much unnecessary suffering in that phase. I wish someone had told me that these feelings are normal, and that learning to move through them—not avoid or shame them—is the real key.
Module 2 digs deep into this emotional terrain. It’s about learning how to navigate jealousy, insecurity, and all the emotional upheaval that can come with polyamory—without self-judgment or panic.
3. Say What You Mean: Communication That Actually Works
If I could go back in time and tattoo one thing on my arm, it would be this: You cannot communicate honestly while also trying to never hurt your partner’s feelings.
That one hit me like a brick. We both used to twist ourselves in knots trying to be kind, gentle, accommodating—and avoided the hard truths. It backfired every time.
Real communication means radical honesty. It means asking for what you need without guilt. It means learning to navigate tough conversations before they blow up, and staying grounded through the discomfort.
Module 3 teaches the exact skills I wish I had when I started: how to speak up, how to listen with curiosity, and how to renegotiate your boundaries without spiraling.
I’d love to invite you to check out a free demo of Polyamory 101: The Sh*t I Wish I’d Known. You’ll get access to the first lesson from Module 1: Deprogramming the Monogamy Mindset.
Give it a try, see if it resonates, and let me know what comes up for you in the comments. I built this to be real, practical, and (hopefully) a little bit life-changing.
Have a badass (rainy) day,
K
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